It was actually quite funny and disturbing all at once, I can't remember how it happened, just suddenly one day it fell on me, like a heavy wet blanket, i don't dream about it, i just remember it happening, i dream, but i never remember my dreams, my dreams are not useful to me so i simply discard them. It was a surreal experience - something happened, I got half way through saying it and then doubled back and made it into something else, how did that happen? It was weird, I keep reminding myself that it can't last, it shouldn't last, it won't,

is it denial or is it reality - who really knows, who will be testator. We are at different times, different places, suggestions are made and then l;eft incomplete, commentaries are misinterpreted...  Strikes me as strange that when a new leaf turns over it doesn't just flip once it does so multiple times, as if in gust of wind. The day doesn't matter, nor the exact circumstances, I guess it was his reaction, the smile on his face and the welcoming expression, at that point I knew.

It is all decompressed, there is some tautness, but it is largely imperceptible, it is the outcome of a journey of discovery that is just beginning.
Sometimes I sit alone and think, it is good, other times I think it can't last, it shouldn't, it won't

I called him today, my call was rejected, he texted me, I responded, I asked how things were, he said he was still out of work and that circumstances had taken a turn for the worse, I texted him back, he went non responsive., I hope it can't last, it shouldn't, it won't
We're like peas in a pod, we sometimes land up calling one another just when the other is thinking about them, it is weird, some sort of cosmic confluence I guess

I wrote to him today and received a long response back, it was a good response, filled with an array of snippets of information. I forget why I actually reconnected, I lied when I suggested why, maybe i was telling the truth, it doesn't matter; we have reconnected and that is all that matters.

Session Start (me:her): Sat Mar 01 10:58:59 2008
[10:59] me: hi
[10:59] her: hi
[10:59] me: how are you ?
[11:40] me: recovered?
[11:41] her: from?
[11:41] me: your flu
[11:41] her: no
[11:41] me: hmmm - taking anything?
[11:41] her: like what?
[11:41] me: meds
[11:41] her: like what?
[11:41] me: anything that makes one feel better
[11:42] her: How would that help?
[11:42] me: it would make one feel better
[11:42] her: That's of no use to me
[11:42] me: ok
[11:43] me: ever tried lemon, honey and a spirit (brandy or whsky) in a  glass or mug of hot water?
[11:43] her: can't have lemon
[11:43] her: that's a fruit
[11:43] me: aaah :-(
[11:43] me: makes for  limited choices
[11:43] her: It does?
[11:44] me: in terms of home remedies
[11:44] me: except for chicken soup!
[11:44] her: Hmm
[11:45] me: so what are you up to today?
[11:45] her: reading
[11:45] me: anything interesting?
[11:45] her: perhaps
[11:45] me: something new?
[11:45] her: no
[11:45] me: what is it
[11:45] her: fiction
[11:46] me: bodice ripper?
[11:46] her: huh?
[11:46] me: a romantic novel.
[11:46] her: no
[11:46] me: what kind then
[11:46] her: literary fantasy
[11:47] me: futuristic?
[11:47] her: no
[11:47] me: like tolkien style?
[11:47] her: no
[11:47] me: am i disturbing you?
[11:47] her: no
[11:47] me: this is a difficult conversation
[11:47] her: not for me
[11:47] me: ok
[11:48] her: you ask easy questions
[11:48] me: and you answer in either mon syllables or without being forthcoming even though you know what i am asking you
[11:48] her: oh yay
[11:48] her: it's all my fault again
[11:48] her: ok, take care
[11:48] me: yeah you too
Session Close (her): Sat Mar 01 11:49:01 2008

I'm done playing this cat and mouse game with assholes...